This week, I made one of the toughest decisions of my life. Or, at least, that is what it feels like because of the degree of sadness nearing depression that accompanies this decision.
In the mist of processing this decision, a dear friend, colleague and teacher advised me to consult with God, Higher Power, Spirit, the Universe or whatever and ask for guidance.
And so, over the course of two days, I sat in church, coffee shops, attended to a spiritual yoga class, a Continuum movement class, two different ballet classes outside my comfort zone at an intense studio in NYC, got yelled at and insulted by a famous ballet teacher, walked over 6 miles in a rain storm and
……got really quiet to listen and look.
It’s been a journey.
It’s been a pilgrimage.
It’s been filled with rivers of spontaneous tears.
It’s been full of love, support and compassion.
This decision represents that I’ve finally got to the point of my life where I have multiple equally amazing opportunities that conflict.
So I must decide.
I’ve heard tell of this “phenomenon” for years now, since the moment I started this greatly expanded adventure.
Until now, I’ve never experienced it this fully, this real, this sad, this heartbreaking, this gut wrenching.
In our culture, we have the tendency to go away from and against pain.
We avoid going on dates, so our heart cannot be broken.
We avoid committing to one person thinking that another “better” person is available.
….Divorce is possible.
…..Death is possible
We avoid getting close to other person because they might die, we might die.
We don’t go to that audition because we might be rejected.
We don’t ask for their number because they might not give it to us.
We don’t send the text because they might not respond.
We fear rejection.
We fear shame.
We fear pain.
I certainly do.
And yet – today, I’m climbing completely into pain and making space inside of me for the way through pain.